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What If: The Monkees Had Never Existed?

March 31, 2011 by  
Filed under romps

Bob C. conjectures:

> Suppose for a moment that the Monkees had never been formed, or that
> some other guys had been chosen. How do you think things would have
> turned out for our faves today?

TO : Zord Dorfstrum, Imperial Controller, Time Variance Authority
FROM: Yvad Senoj, Assistant Implementer, Correction Reconciliation Cmte.
DATE: 6437:05.10//23:16:99
RE : Mid-20th Century Earth Correction; Advice Required

We have finally uncovered the source of the on-going turbulence detected
in the mid-2oth century Earth timestream. Involved are four individuals
who, together as a group, should have had a major impact on the popular
culture at the time, but due to a temporary glitch in the Continuity
Assurance Calculation And Program Orientation Object (CACAPOO), never
came together.

Involved are one David Jones, one Mick3y Dolenz (unconv. sp.), one Michael
Nesmith and one Peter Tork (see attached ID keys, Nes. incompl.). In the
mid-1960s, the four were in the location known as the United States of
America, mostly centered around a sub-location known as Cali4nia (see
attached Disaster Conjecture record).

What should have happened:
These four come together as pawns of entertainment producers who
broadcast their likenesses through a medium known as “television” to
other Americans. Their voices are recorded on top of produced music
encoded on soft vinyl discs which Americans can decode. The four are
called Monkees, an apparent reference to their Darwinian heritage. After
2 encoded releases, turmoil develops and the 4 produce their own music,
led by Nesmith. A feature video (encoded on celluloid) is generated, but
primarily ignored by most Americans (Hist. note: Had this happened,
it would have given us some of the best clues as to what life was like in
those times). Tork segregates himself from the others after a brief
time, yet the others continue encoded releases under the group name.
Nesmith later segregates himself as well, losing most of his personal
wealth (see att. Pecuniary Cultures ref.), and Dolenz and Jones encode
one more vinyl disc as Monkees before completing segregation. Soon
after, Nesmith replenishes his personal wealth via inheritance (see. att.
art. Preferred Pecuniary Strategies)

The four continue entertainment careers but are mostly ignored by most of
their fellow Americans (and the rest of Earth) until the mid-1980s, when
an organization known as MTV (see att. essay on Failed Experiments and
Their Hypnotic Value) brought all but Nesmith back to the group
appellation, where they experience a resurgence of acceptance and issue
more encoded releases on various digital media. The group goes their
separate ways once again, until their tremendous resurgence as a foursome
in the mid-1990’s, a 30-“year” regrouping resulting in more encoded
releases and a new celluloid venture, the success of which was unsurpassed
until the appearance of the HydroWorms many “years” later.

Unfortunately, due to the CACAPOO error, this alternate timeline never
occurred. What did happen:

The four did interview with producers in mid-1960’s Cali4nia, but were
never hired. Four others were hired, 2 male actors, and a male and
female musician, and a preliminary broadcast was prepared, but the
musical concept was scrapped after the producers discovered that none of
the group could sing (they had actually hired 3 drummers and a bass player).
These names are lost to history, as the broadcast failed to capture other
Americans’ attention, but legend has it that the two musicians were named
Archie and Josie. The producers later had a hit and were saved from
obscurity with a family (see att. def. Nuclear Derivatives) show called
the Brady Gang, about a pair of kids who have 3 sets of parents (each!…
see att. ref. Obsolete Concepts In Breeding).

David Jones:
Argued with Tork during interview process after Tork dropped banjo on the
toe of his elevator shoes. Passed over by producers after he was unable
to produce music on the banjo (which he picked up). Returned to Broadway
to some success in Oh! Calcutta!, but forced to abondon theatre after
posterior infection complications caused by splinters. Made guest
appearance on Brady Gang as one of the father’s “friends”, but really
came into his own as the star of a 1970’s broadcast called Fantasy Island
(played the part of Klaatu). In 1980s became spokesmodel for Revlon
and Gilette simultaneously, pushing hair and beard products. Performed
duet with another David Jones for World Hunger (see att. ref. Political
Population Controls) concert “Live Band Aid” (see att. ref. Tears For
Fears: The Band Who Broke Up For One Day And Missed The Event Of The Decade).
Finished out his later years selling Red Maracas over Earth-wide
broadcast media.

Peter Tork: Argued with Jones during interview with producers and was
judged too radical for the show after calling Jones a “subversive limey”.
Frustrated by the loss of what he perceived as his big chance, Tork went
into seclusion with the religious leader known as Maharashi Myhash
Yogurt, but left disgruntled a few years later when the swami signed a
licensing deal with the Dannon Corporation. Upon re-emergence, Tork
teamed with a dark-haired gypsy queen to host the “Peter and Cher Show”,
finally making it big in show business. Noted for his trademark insults
about certain biological features of his partner. After splitting from
this partnership, Tork catapulted to further fame as mayor of Carmel, now
known as “the singing politician” and running on a platform of “a banjo
in every hand” and “free beer for all”. Appointed ambassador to the
USSR, Tork resigned in digrace after accidently “ralphing” (unk.) in an
official’s lap. Tork then married his former partner Cher and had 17
children, all of whom had musical ability (see att. ref. Children With Middle
Name FRODIS). Last notable achievement: Author of “Tork’s Cookbook of
Russian Specialty Dishes”. Of his early brush with fame, Tork said “I probably
would have quit anyway”.

Mick3y Dolenz:
Dolenz was a finalist in the interview process with the producers, but
made the fatal mistake of demanding to be fairly paid for his work.
Labelled by incensed producers as a troublemaker, Dolenz panhandled on
the Sunset Strip before hooking up with a band who became known as The
Doors. Dolenz reportedly was posessed by the spirit of a dying indian
during this period, and was responsible for creating well-known encoded
releases such as Cigar-Store Blues And Greens and Light My Cigar. After
the demise of the Doors (caused by amazingly persistent rumors of Dolenz’
death), Mick3y served as MC at the first hunger festival, called FoodStock.
Later he teamed up with former keyboardist Ray Man-Thing to create a
memorable collection of “children’s” (see Obsolete Concepts In Breeding)
lullabies, such as “One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indian Spirits”.
Dolenz married 3 times (no divorces, old Indian custom) and spent his
later years quietly creating paintings of young women in the nude.
Passed on his wealth (see att. ref. Materialism And Hedonism: The Missing
Link) made from Hair Straightening Products (see att. treatise Obsolete
Concepts: Hair On Men) to his “children”. Most recognizable feature:
Tattoo of TeePee on buttocks (see ref. Obsolete Concepts: Buttocks).

Michael Nesmith:
Nesmith blew his chance with the producers when he was judged during his
interview to have too much musical talent (see ref. Obsolete Concepts:
Talent). Went on to form other groups such as First National Band and
Michael Nesmith and the Hellcasters. Retained a small but dedicated
following for the rest of his artistic career, which included encoded
releases on vinyl and digital formats, celluloid and broadcast medium
creations, and strings of characters known as “literature”. Inherited a
fortune from his “mother” (see att. ref. Liquid Paper: An Oxymoron?
research incompl.) and freed himself from commercial concerns, focusing
instead on artistic integrity and expression. Remained creative all his
life and passed his talent onto his “children”. Most famous quote: “That
could have been your hat, mother-father!” (Research pending).

Your thoughts on how this situation could be corrected would be greatly
appreciated. We need to act quickly, though. The next aberration is due
within the coming quadrinuet, and the last one took us 2 bisinues to
recover from, what with “MONKEES” flashing all over the monitors in
swirling colors.

TVA Transaction Code: MONKEES-R-NO-1

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